10 Smart, Hilarious Cleaning Tips from Vacuum in the Dark Novelist Jen Beagin
Pretend I’m Dead, Jen Begin’s debut novel, became one of our favorite books in 2018. It stars Mona, a 20-something housecleaner who is awful at relationships, however exact at taking sneaky pics of herself wearing her patron’s clothes.
A follow-up, Vacuum Inside the Dark, also follows Mona as she attempts to wash the dust from her past and present. Despite being brash, Mona is a lovingly crafted and straightforward individual; it must come as no wonder that She once wiped clean other human beings’ homes. We asked the novelist to present ten great suggestions to keep your place as sparkling as her prose.
Use stones.
Pumice stones eliminate callouses from your feet. However, I don’t use them on my toes, and I must. I use them in my bathrooms. It’s the most effective factor in removing difficult water stains from porcelain without scratching it. So, that ring around your restroom bowl that by no means seems to head away? Hit it with the pumice. But ensure the pumice is white or gray—not black. You might want gloves for this system, even though I never use them, which might be why I even have the palms seventy to three-12 months old.
Try olive oil.
Olive oil polishes stainless steel, but a pal informed me he used it on his appliances, and his puppies spent numerous days licking his refrigerator and oven the following days. But olive oil might be exact for puppies. Two birds.
Stick to natural substances.
For fresh rust stains, use lemon and salt. Make a paste with it, smear a generous amount on the stains, and let it sit for a minute. For hardcore rust stains, purchase that awesome toxic stuff on the bottom shelf of the grocery store. It comes in a bottle that makes you want to drink it, like Kombucha or Gatorade; however, DON’T DRINK IT.
Forget bleach.
To get your sheets and towels truly white—and anyone ought to have white linens, in my opinion, as it’s classy—use bluing liquid, not bleach. My favorite product is Mrs. Stewart’s Liquid Bluing: Whitening Whites Safely Since 1883. It’s to be had online, focused, non-poisonous and will last forever since you most effectively need 1 / 4 teaspoon for an entire load of linens. Read the instructions carefully—upload the bluing agent to water before including your linens. It appears bizarre to clean your white items in blue liquid, but I don’t acknowledge that white fabric is truly a touch blue for scientific reasons.
Persist with natural substances.
A great way to ease a microwave is to dampen a rag with water and a touch of lemon juice and zap it for fifteen seconds. Let the rag cool for five seconds. Wipe out the microwave. Smile. All that spaghetti sauce caught to the top is now for your rag, and the microwave smells like lemons. (This is likewise the most effective way to smooth your sponges when they’re semi-new; however, one way or the other is already smelly.)
Stay away from solar.
Never let a reflector window in direct sunlight. It will streak immediately and seemingly irrevocably. When this happens, wash the surface with water, watch for the solar to move down, drink a few wines, and begin again in the morning.
Find the proper sponge.
If your bathroom tiles are protected in soap scum, strive to set some of your shampoos on the scrubby a part of your Scotch Brite sponge—the most effective sponge you need on your cleansing arsenal—after which lather the tiles along with your shampoo. I’ve been doing this with mixed consequences for years; however, while it works, it works, and it doesn’t burn your nostril hairs like Tilex.
Follow those actual restroom-cleaning steps.
Back to toilets. When you get to the bathroom, first lift the seat. This appears apparent, but I’m continually amazed at the many people who skip this step. Next, sell off a bunch of Comet into the bowl, sufficient to smooth each of your brushes and the bathroom. Now you’re geared up to clean. Don’t stir—it’s now not a bowl of sangria. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Under the rim, down into the cave, everywhere in between. You’re supposed to brush your enamel for two minutes—but the same goes for the bathroom. When you’re executed, don’t flush yet. Spray the bottom of the seat and the rest of the toilet with Windex and wipe it down with toilet paper. Now flush. Use a rag for the pinnacle of the tank, which is constantly very dusty.
Buy these Vactes. I used to ask about the man’s or woman’s v on datesacuum. As in, do you own one? What type? I likely ruined quite a few first dates this way. Wait until the 1/3 date; however, don’t wait too long. A man or woman’s vacuum speaks volumes. This brings me to the cleaning tip: if vacuuming makes you cranky or irrationally dissatisfied, you’re probably using the incorrect one. Do yourself a favor and buy a Miele canister vacuum. Get the Miele that prices $600. It’s German engineering at its best, almost like driving a Mercedes. A Miele handles corners well, is not as loud as American vacuums, and is so handsome and compact that you can use it as a purse. I don’t own a Miele because I can’t manage to pay for one right now. Still, I’m hoping Miele will ship me an unfastened one for citing their call—Miele—six times in one paragraph.
Get assist.
Hire a cleaner. It’ll be one of the most pleasant stuff you ever do for yourself. Interview her first to ensure she’s not like Mona, i., E. An annanotographer with boundary problems, and then treat her virtually, clearly l. Don’t overlook tipping her, for instance, and no longer just on Christmas. Tip her as you’ll your hairdresser because she’s dealing with jusmuchns of hair, in conjunction with all your different grimy commerenterprisesprise, and because cleansing hoisn’tren’t any comic story if it’s finished properly. It’s, without a doubt, the toughest task I’ve ever had.
